End of 2024 – My Feelings Now About Her

The year is ending, and my mind is all over the place again. I thought I had moved on, kept myself busy, and filled my time with work, routines, and plans. But just one call from her, and everything flipped.

For years, I had a set schedule—waking up, working, learning, and moving forward. But now, all of it is gone. My daily routine, my loop, the things I used to do without thinking—they’ve all disappeared. I stopped working on scripts, stopped following my usual pattern. Now, I just wait. Wait for her next message, her next snap, her next call.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Why do a few words from her pull me back so easily? I had spent years keeping myself occupied, making sure I didn’t get lost in these thoughts again. And yet, here I am. Just her voice was enough to bring it all back. And if a call can do this, I can’t even imagine what would happen if I saw her again. That’s why, even when I had the chance, I didn’t go.

But what if I told her again? What would change? Nothing. She’d just smile and move on like it’s nothing. Even if she said yes, what then? Just more conversations, more overthinking, more uncertainty. No, I can’t do this again.

I have to stop. I need to remind myself why I started keeping my distance in the first place. She is still my reason, my motivation, but I can’t let this ruin everything I’ve worked for. If the time is right, I’ll go and meet her mom. Until then, I just have to hold on and keep moving.