Waiting Like a Kid Again

I want to stop everything again and go back to my daily routine. I need to prepare for this stupid IELTS exam. I have already wasted three months doing nothing, and now I feel like I need to get back on track. After that whole mess with my TOEFL exam on November 13, I just gave up on everything. I stopped studying, stopped planning, stopped caring about what I was supposed to do next. Instead, I just focused on completing my 4th-year 1st-semester exams. That was the only thing I did properly. Those exams ended in December 2024, and after that, I found myself stuck in the same cycle again—questioning everything, overthinking every little thing, just like always.

Do I really want to study? Is it even important? All these years, I never really thought about it. I just went with whatever came my way. But this time, I don’t want to go anywhere just for the sake of studying. Last time, I made a huge mistake—one that changed my entire life. I didn’t join the same college as her, and honestly, that decision still haunts me. I was scared. I thought if I joined, I would get too attached, and I didn’t want to ruin things. But looking back, I realize that was the worst decision I ever made. If I had joined, at least I would have been around her, and maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent all these years feeling like this.

So now, if I have to decide on going somewhere for studies, I can’t make the same mistake again. This time, I need to be sure. If I leave again, I know for sure that everything will be over. There will be no turning back. So, before I make a decision, I decided to ask her—just to get her opinion, just to see what she thinks.

It’s not really about whether she gives me good advice or not. It’s more about understanding where she stands. If she really cares about us, she will definitely tell me not to go. If she tells me to go, saying it’s a good option and it’s my life, my choice—then that’s it. That means she doesn’t care, and I should just go and never disturb her again. But if she tries to explain things properly, thinking practically and telling me not to waste my time on unnecessary things, then maybe she does care. Maybe she’s just unable to say it directly. If she takes time to explain things to me, to make me understand, then at least I will know that she still has some concern for me.

But if she just gives me dry, uninterested replies like always, then that will be the final confirmation that she doesn’t even care to talk to me, and she’s just pretending to reply out of formality.

So, to test this, I sent her a message today. I just typed, “Free vunapudu hloo petu, call cheysta” so that I could see how she reacts. Is she even interested in talking? Or is she just replying for the sake of it? I know her well. If she replies with “Sorry ra”, then I know exactly what will happen next. She will see my message, ignore it for a while, and then reply whenever she feels like it. That’s how she always does it.

It’s frustrating because I don’t even know why I keep doing this. Why do I keep waiting for something that is never going to happen? Why do I keep trying to make sense of things when I already know the truth? But still, a small part of me hopes. Hopes that maybe, just maybe, she will reply differently this time.

Let’s see what happens.